#it just. sucks that this is still ongoing
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okay so unless you've been living under a rock today is orange shirt day / national truth & reconciliation day! while there were assimilation efforts starting as early as the 17th century, from the 1820s to the last residential school in canada, kivalliq hall in nunavut closing in 1997, first nations (both status & nonstatus), inuit & mĆ©tis children were forced away from their families to attend residential school prisons where they were taught irrelevant curriculum that wasn't even useful for their development, subjected to colonial schooling policies, forced labour/slavery, unethical scientific research based human experimentation oftentimes without their knowledge nor consent of the children or the parents, corporal punishment, withheld food, inadequate heating, little to no contact with parents ranging from 10 months at a time to even years whereas some parents literally camped right outside the school grounds in order to be closer to their children, forced to wear white european settler clothing & having their hair cut which was & still is a source of cultural pride & sacred spirituality, solitary confinement, overcrowded & unsanitary living conditions, violently punished for speaking their languages even to themselves or outside the classroom, practicing their non-christian cultures & religions, or demonstrating any kind of independence & were abused physically, verbally, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, sexually, culturally & spiritually & many died from disease, malnutrition, starvation, beatings, whippings, electrocution, trying to run away, suicide, torture and/or were murdered; native american, alaska native & native hawaiian children were also abused in the exact same way in american indian boarding schools that started in the 17th century in 1819 & ended in 1969 (notice how canada closed the last residential school 28 years ā decades ā after america did? "canada's nicer" MY ASS), though while today focuses specifically on indigenous turtle island communities specifically in both canada & america, i& have to point out that this has Also happened to other indigenous communities & otherwise minority groups across the world to varying degrees, including but not limited to: the black diaspora in north america, south america & the caribbean while not being forced to attend residential schools (though the segregation of schools must never be overlooked) although there WERE a few black natives/afroindigenous children who were forced to attend residential schools as well they were forced to abandon their native languages, religions & cultural practices & still face discrimination & attempts at forced assimilation, the sĆ”mi people of norway, sweden, finland & russia, kvens, tornedalians & finns by the swedish government, several indigenous siberian peoples by the russian government, the mincĆ©iri / travellers of ireland, scotland & wales, kurdish people by the turkish government, the chin, kachin, karen, mon, shan & rohingya people by the british & myanmar governments, aboriginal australians & torres straits islanders called the stolen generations by the australian government & the mÄori of aotearoa/new zealand by the new zealand government, jewish & romani by various churches & governments, ukrainians by the russian government, the murle people in southern sudan, ainu, ryukyuan, korean & taiwanese people by the japanese government & uighurs & tibetans by the chinese government that's currently ongoing & this has happened so many times across various countries that forcibly taking children away from their families into another group in the hopes of assimilating them into the dominant culture is now considered a form of cultural genocide / culturicide & linguicide. while this has predominantly happened in the so called western hemisphere to enforce western christonormative white supremacy the overwhelmingly vast majority of the time, the perpetrators of these horrible acts are NOT exclusive to white people; this has happened in every continent except antarctica.
additionally, for residential schools in canada & america specifically, this not only applied to oral languages but even sign languages as well, with the many different indigenous children who used their own indigenous languagesāboth spoken & sign languageābeing forced to use english, french, asl & lsq, across various churches & their denominations. even moreso, the residential school system in canada & america (as well as the jim crow laws & the armenian genocide) was sick inspiration for cruel dictators like hitler for the holocaust / shoah / porajmos that resulted in the deaths of millions of lives, most especially jewish & romani lives. this is not the ancient past & assimilation is still ongoing. indigenous children all over the globe are still being taken away from their families & it must stop. every single child deserves to play & be safe, be educated & be protected from those who would harm them. every child matters.
while to my knowledge, none of my family members were residential school survivors but what i can tell you is that the evangelization & indoctrination of native communities by white western conservative christians is very much still ongoing. i was a member of an evangelical church group that has branches reaching into even refugee & migrant groups under the guise of a sort of scout group back when i was in elementary school that i later realized growing up that it was actually an international christian nationalist white supremacist child indoctrination cult with their motto to literally become soldiers for god's army with evangelization & missionary work (i will not name it for my own safety) where i was told by one of my cult leaders that indigenous cultures & spirituality ā particularly the dreamcatcher ā was demonic, evil & wrong, that literal demons came out of it (literal textbook antinative racism), as was anything that was nonchristian, & that the end was near, the rapture was coming in the form of microchips being planted into arms & that all nonbelievers would burn if they didn't "repent" & that god was always watching me & she told me all of this to my face when i was about 8-9 years old & it was one of the major reasons why for years i hadn't reconnected to my own cultures ā that's obviously changed now & i've never been prouder; i also know two residential school survivors, both fierce, strong & powerful native women. even if what i described isn't as severe as everything i& mentioned above, considering the context, you can understand why this hits so close to home to me&. so as a two spirit indigenous person of turtle island i& not only extend my& love & support to my& communities on turtle island but also to our& indigenous siblings & cousins across the seas. solidarity is the only way we can truly go forward.
if you are indigenous canadian, you can call the following 24/7 national crisis hotline for residential school survivors & their families & everyone who's affected by it: 1-866-925-4419
#arcana.txt#native.txt#tw; cults#tw; genocide#ask to tag / tw !#it just. sucks that this is still ongoing#tw; residential schools#tw; child abuse
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thinking about how honest the hope is in disco elysium, if that makes sense. how you face consequences for the actions and life you canāt remember. how your nightmares come back and they just might be there to stay. how you still wake up in pain and have to very actively fight off the cravings of your old addictions. how it isnāt easy trying to chose not just life, but living better, living for yourself. how it doesnāt mean any of the problems will go away, or the pain will stop, but it gives you an option other than constant suffering. thereās always a silver lining, itās just a matter of being able to look up and find it.
hope isnāt always easy, and sometimes it is a choice, but in a torn up world and a torn up body, itās something. itās not always pretty or perfect, itās clumsy and sometimes foolish and hard to keep close, itās difficult, and maybe itās all you have but itās something - streets and sodium lights, the sky, the world, youāre alive
#and you damn well better keep it that way#itās honest because trauma is still something you have to face and go through no matter how ugly#and it doesnāt just go away. things can get better and then something can hit you again. and thatās okay#idk something something itās waves in an ocean and sometimes itās a storm and hope keeps you afloat but it doesnāt mean you can get out of#the ocean. itās very real in this#does any of this make any sense#or is it just 2 am and Iām stringing words together that sound nice but make no sense#i just think. so much specifically about that last dream with Dolores dei. how it promises to be an ongoing occurance#how even with Kim and solving the case and starting new heāll still struggle with his traumas#physical and mental. but at least it isnāt hopeless yknow? it sucks but life goes on and it doesnāt suck 100% of the time#idk Iām just. thinking#disco elysium#harry du bois#z speaks
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I got an email from my grandpa today and all the draft responses Iāve been working on in my head sound like an 18th century letter thatās going to have to travel for months to reach him.
pandemic year 5 really has me feeling like me and a very small handful of people I know are living on an entirely different plane of existence than everyone else
#like I havenāt seen him in over a year. Iāve seen him 3 times since 2020#so I guess on the isolation and slow communication front itās pretty similar#he used my chosen name. I havenāt changed my email yet but he used my chosen name#I donāt even care at this point if he never gets my pronouns right#I thought Iād never be able to tell him. I didnāt want to find out his politics were more important#heās quiet and kind and he gives people expensive gifts any time he can afford it but he constantly forgets peopleās allergies#so he might get you something you canāt have but whoever you pass it along to will love it#he cries at weddings and during church services and sometimes random holidays#he passes out in his rocking chair at every family function#heās the unofficial photographer of every gathering ever since my great grandfather stopped being able to walk as much as the job requires#and he voted for trump in 2016 and has afaik an active nra membership#he once complimented my outfit by telling me heād call me a stud if I was a guy#which like. ok. I have some notes#but uh. thanks?#idk Iām just. it sucks being so far away from everyone and everything because the rest of the world is ignoring an ongoing pandemic#Iām missing so much of my life and others lives and even parts of my own transition#I can make steps to reach out but it only goes so far if poeple#are unwilling to mask or vaccinate or even just ask what needs to happen to make it safe#so I donāt. idk. kill my partner#or become even more disabled than I currently am#my familyās been making steps and theyāre taking me seriously but itās all so slow and Iām still sore from bracing for rejection#Iāve been bracing for rejection for so so long itās terrifying to reach out. about anything#this is not condusive to a healthy relationship lol#not sure what to do other than bonk myself on the head and say āget betterā tho#*bonk* ātry againā#one step at a time ig#ahshitherewegoagain.jpg#.txt
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this entire year has been flop after flop why am i losing so bad your honor i am literally just some guy
#im yapping u can move on if u dont wanna hear my life story#first i get nuked by stomach pains when i go to visit my friends#something that had been ongoing for years but#my best friend convinces me to see a doctor that year#my condition deteriorates no matter what meds they put me on#i finally get a more invasive exam that shows my intestines were inflamed#i get put on fucking steroids that fuck me up physically and emotionally#i go through multiple med school exams after spending months in crippling pain#pain so bad id be bedridden for hours#got 6 weeks of migraines near daily#sometimes multiple in a day#stressed out of my mind by the time my finals came around to the point that i could no longer bring myself to care#bc i was sure id fail no matter how hard i studied#visit my friends again bc somehow its already winter again#am a nervous wreck all the time and retreat into my phone#but also hate myself for not spending what little time i had fully present#constantly worn out and exhausted bc my meds are barely working#and id found out i was allergic to a lot of things so i was cutting a lot of things out of my diet#lmfao it was so bad my weight still hasnt recovered but yeah i come back i start 3rd year#the toll the last year had taken on my mental health finally registers#i become too depressed to study for my hardest module yet#UGH THATS SO CRINGE JUST SIT DOWN AND STUDY??#but nothing was sticking on god#anyway im sure ive failed#and la salud mental no es bien or soemthing idk i havent taken spanish in 3 years#anyway deep sigh i just stay losing#i cant believe im in like four fucking research projects and classes and trying to work on myself this shit sucks balls#and clinical rotations...#lord just strike me down
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need at least 1 person to be mentally ill with in the dms about my own writing perhaps then ill be able to publish something
#its sooooo pathetique but unfortunately being that im in a 2 year ongoing Rut i kind of uh. need the external stimuli here.#plus its nice to have someone to bounce ideas with & also just care in general yk. ive got whole fics that basically just happened bc i had#a conversation w someone who could 'yes and' with me for a bit#2019 was a good year for this for me personally#very productive i had so much fun#losing it sucked lmao i just dont feel as comfortable speaking my ideas anymore#i still think theyre good. i keep plotting things in my head but they never make it past the draft#IF we get to a concrete draft at all lbr#idk how to explain it. i enjoy what i make i find it interesting but sharing has kind of lost its shine.#a lot of the people i was hanging with then moved on which is what it is + i dont think we were as close as we were in my head anyway#but ive become way more conscious of dominating spaces#idk i just miss it. i feel like everything im doing is a solo project these days#its very lonely#easy to lose steam also when i dont have much energy to start with#but mostly just very lonely.#playing dolls with myself etc etc etc its fine when its voluntary but when its not.#well. its Not.#lol.
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Dimension 20 Campaigns Rated By The Amount Of Mice/Rats
(chronological order)
disclaimer: I have not seen Shriek Week, Dungeons and Drag Queens, or The Unsleeping City s2.
for all of these except the last, I command + Fād through their transcripts on the wiki for the terms āratā āratsā āmiceā āmouseā and ārodentā to find the relevant data.
the reason I didnāt do TUC s2 is a. from watching the first season I can intuit a similar level of mouse/rat content in this setting, if slightly lessened rat action due to the lack of a rat PC, and b. laziness. consider all of TUC under the same umbrella
i donāt know whatās wrong with me either.
Fantasy High - 7.5/10. the introduction of Sexy Rat into the d20 canon is iconic. we also have the rat that the sexy rat was created for - Edgar, Zayn Darkshadowās cute lil plot-relevant pet rat. Not much mice/rat content outside of this, but a beautiful beginning.
Escape from Bloodkeep [update: I watched this while waiting for the fhjy finale, itās fucking spectacular] - 1/10. aside from Erika Ishii occasionally saying āaw, rats,ā thereās only one minor instance of rat action, this quote from Master Ipskix in ep 1 - āWe're training little ants and beetles to carry little swords and sharp things, and crawl in, and you know when you get a rat to eat through someone's stomach and come to the other side, we're trying to cover the rats in spikes.ā There is a nice moment of Sokhbarr and Leiland collaborating on rat enrichment, but overall the main ācreepyā animals this season were spiders (fair) and Jāerāemāih
The Unsleeping City - 10000/10. rats every episode. rat PC. rat NPCs. MULTIPLE combat eps with not only rat swarms but a rat KING. impeccable. kugrash my belovƩd. true rat positivity. rights for rats. the height of rat content in dimension 20.
Tiny Heist - 6/10. Solid rodent presence in the form of Tony Manchego, a mouse supporting NPC who is basically Boomerās main coworker. Several other mice/rats also appear as Felix Flick henchmen (henchpeople?). Not a main focus, but decent background presence. I donāt recall any good/cool rats/mice though, theyāre all goons of some kind.
A Crown of Candy - 0.5/10. in ep3 Brennan uses the phrase āEveryone thinks we're rats.ā to explain political negotiations w the dairy isles. you know itās rough when the only mention of rats is its use as a pejorative. the 0.5 is for the incredibly gratuitous cheese content. No actual mice, but that counts for something in my book. also Lapin is a bunny, which is another kind of rodent. This is the only possible framework in which ACOC could be described as ādisappointing"
Dimension 20 Live aka Fantasy High: Sophomore Year - 6/10. The thrilling return of Sexy Rat. Sadly this is the only significant mouse/rat content this season, but what a banger!
Pirates of Leviathan - 9/10. Another excellent rat-person PC. Jack Brakkow is revolutionary. we love a grimy king. not much else in terms of mouse/rat content though, and Jackās rattiness isnāt discussed as much as kugrashās is. there is a character deadass named āCheeseā though.
Mice and Murder - 9.5/10 itās in the title. No PCs though, surprisingly, which is the main reason this isnāt 10/10. they went more for diversity in animals with this one and tbh it works really well, but also means that despite the title, itās really Fox and Racoon and Javelina and Weasel and Owl and Doberman Pinscher and Murder. The mice/rats they do have are dope though. Both of the McCabbages are vibrant and interesting, and of course Rosalind Crumb showing her ass is iconic. Thomas Gilfoyle is classic suspicious butler, Carolyn Dickory and Edwina Thimble wind up being extremely important, Molly Milton and Millie Molton are peak Brennan weird naming convention as well as a lesbian power couple, and thereās a variety of other Loam Hall staff that are mice (and they all have wild names like Tessa Teapot and Alfred Honeyhatch). I know that moles arenāt mice/rats, but shoutout to Mrs. Molesly, a real one start to finish.
Misfits and Magic - 7/10. this probably shouldnāt be as high as it is, but I am incapable of not ranking mismag as high as possible, it is what got me into dimension 20 and I LOVE it. Kās amazing cinderella scene at the end is one of the highlights of the series, and they also use mice/rats as surveillance sometimes. Theodore is a chipmunk, not a mouse/rat, but still points for other prominent rodentia. the K fucked-up-disney-princess stuff only has mice/rats a few times, but itās just so iconic.
The Seven - 0/10. Absolutely zero mouse/rat content. Rip. They went hard on horse girl content (respect), so it makes sense that there was less room for mice/rats. again, the only measurement by which this series could be considered a disappointment, I fuckin love the seven.
Shriek Week - 0.5/10. A ārat manā is mentioned briefly as a one-off gag.Ā Exhilarating. occasionally, the clicking of a computer mouse is inserted as a sound effect.
A Starstruck Odyssey - 2/10. in Ep. 12, there is discussion of āskiff ratsā and rat poison that makes your head explode. This is a very important memory from Skipperās past, but the emphasis is on the rat poison, and on the consequences of the mass poisoning, not really on the rats themselves. in Ep. 11, when describing a room Brennan says āThe walls piled highā¦with bright blue animatronic mouse heads with the eyes torn outā however this is the only mention of them in the episode. There is one mention to the concept of a computer mouse (Ep. 10), and on several occasions, the sound of a computer mouse clicking can be heard as a sound effect.
Coffin Run - 5/10. in the finale, rat swarms try to eat Dracula. A thrilling moment. other than that, in Ep. 1 we have the quote, āThis letter then goes across the ocean in a rat-infested shipā, and in Ep. 5 wetzel accidentally eats some rat poison. highlighted quote: āIf we connect all the rats together, can we get a rat king?ā
A Court of Fey and Flowers - 0.25/10. in Ep. 4 Mickey Mouse is mentioned, in the context of Hobās state of dress - āYou're either a Donald Duck or a Mickey Mouseā - Oscar Montoya. Itās 0.25 because fuck disney. bit of a missed opportunity, mice can typically fall into the ācute woodland creatures that live in/around fairiesā category, and there were so many mentions of trash this season, I was really hoping weād get some rat action. lacking that, I was hoping a salt goblin would be described as being the size of a mouse, but no such luck. rip. Again, the only disappointing aspect of this campaign, ruehob aka battlemaster of ceremonies is one of the only happy positive romances Iāve seen with a nonbinary person and as an enby myself, the idea that a brennan lee mulligan character could find someone like me attractive is. very validating.
Neverafter - ?/10. itās not done yet (post written 12/28/22), but things are looking promising so far! weāve had several mouse swarms, and a whole miniature town of mouse NPCs, plus many descriptions of pib eating mice. if a similar level of mouse/rat content continues, I project a 7.5/10 at the very least
UPDATE: final rating for Neverafter - 8/10. nothing ever managed to match the chaotic rodent energy of earlier episodes, but still a very solid showing.Ā Rosamundās swarm is a fairly consistent source of rats/mice, though she more often calls upon her ālittle birds,ā and Pib continues to eat mice on occasion. We did have several later season mouse appearances; Aesop has the famous lion and the mouse, and the Land of Beasts is mentioned as being full of mice (among other animals). The Mouse King (from the Nutcracker) appears on the list of the Council of Kings (after being described briefly in Herr Drosselmeyerās memories in one of the very first episodes). The song āThree Blind Miceā is mentioned several times, with Ylfa saying it is her āfavorite storyā. Tom Thumb mentions that he āhang(s) around with a lot of mice.ā We learn that Pib turned an ogre into a mouse in his backstory. Other prominent rodentia do appear, most notably Pibās fellow trickster, the Rabbit. Overall, a lot of excellent mouse content early on, with a handful of smaller appearances in the mid to late season.
UPDATE: The Ravening War - 0/10 Not a mouse or rat to be seen, not even a mention. and unlike ACOC, there are no other prominent rodentia to save them. Lady Amangeaux is described asĀ āJessica Rabbit as a mangoā but given than not even Jessica Rabbit is a rabbit, I do not count this. considering the amount of times rot and mold are mentioned, I was hoping a rat might skitter away from a pile of garbage at some point. no such luck. the only point that I would even consider as related to mice/rats would be the amount of cheese content, as we have both a cheese person PC (in this house we love Colin Provolone) and a semi-prominent cheese person antagonist. however, I would say this averages out to considerably less cheese content than ACOC, which has several cheese person NPCs, including lesbian icon Annabelle Cheddar, Manta Ray Jack, Sir Morris Brie, and prominent antagonist Stilton Curdeau, plus a whole battle with ships made of cheese, plus a whole battle with cheese people (though dressed as meat people) as primary antagonists. thus, I cannot in good conscience award TRW any points for that when it made up only a portion of ACOCās 0.5 of a point. I greatly enjoyed TRW, but not for mice/rat reasons.
UPDATE: Dungeons & Drag Queens, Mentopolis, and the promising beginnings of Burrowās End
DNDQ - 0/10. No mention of mice or rats. honorable mention to Alvin, a chipmunk who I would call a semi-prominent rodent. I only watched half of the 1st ep* but my usual command + F of the transcripts yielded no results.
*no shade to the queens, this season just didnāt work for me specifically, I have a thing where when I know the rules to something watching people learn them/not know them is like. chalkboard screech. itās the autism I think. so as much as I love the queens & their characters I just couldnāt watch the actual show.Ā
Mentopolis - 0/10 understandable as canonically the only animal in Mentopolis is Justin. in absence of any mouse/rat characters, I was hoping for perhaps a mouse/rat fact from The Fix, but i really canāt complain about the myriad of animal facts in this season in good conscience. they were many and varied and I am very grateful. still no mice/rats though. Birds, snakes, and theirĀ āpreyā are discussed, which mice can certainly be. For example, the heat pits on a pythonās lips that Ronnie mentions can be used to detect warm-blooded animals like mice, rats, and other small rodents. But as no rodent is directly mentioned it will not be counted. perhaps next time a reptile eating a mouse will be mentioned, or one of my fave rodent factoids, āa mouseās heartbeat is so fast that to the human ear it just sounds like buzzing,ā will be included.
Burrowās End - ?/10 I have high hopes but did you know that stoats are actually not rodents??? neither are badgers, otters, wolverines, or pine martens. rodents are all vegetarian - theyāre (obvs) in the order Rodentia, so they canāt be in the order Carnivora. so far we have strong chipmunk presence (thatās 3 campaigns with important chipmunks!), and a variety of āwoodland animalsā, so I remain optimistic.
UPDATE: final score for Burrowās End - 1.5/10. frankly appalling lack of mice & rats given the setting. occasionally (as in 2-3 times in the series) a mouse or rat will be mentioned in passing, but the only rodents the gang actually interact with are rabbits and chipmunks. Iām guessing thatās probably bc stoats are specifically known for hunting rabbits, so mice/rats would be too small of a prey animal for them? plus the watership down allusions. and then of course we have the horrifying chipmunk/bear battle. credit for the few rat mentions and rodent presence in general, but this isnāt the rodent post, itās the mice and rats post.
Fantasy High: Junior Year - ?/10 I am terrified. thereās a set of antagonists called the Rat Grinders. well, at least we know there will be rats! Zayn also reappears and with him a mention of Edgar the rat, a fantastic character. potentially...could there even be mention of the original, iconic, sexy rat? we shall see!
UPDATE (5/29/24): final score for FHJY - 8.99/10 fucking spectacular. not only do we get multiple mentions and a partial reappearance of the OG icon, Sexy Rat, but we get the Rat-ettes, the Rat Grinders, Rat World, and as hoped for, the return of Edgar, the originator of this whole proud Dimension 20 tradition of plot-relevant rats! He even gets a ghostly little miniature in the āBaronās Gameā battle! Fabian is also gifted (and makes frequent use of) the Pipes of the Sewers, an item which summons rats. The combo of this item and Figās Mask of Animal Friendship leads to several instances of rat-summoning both in and out of in combat, the likes of which have not been seen in years. One of the most unhinged and transcendent moments of the season, the Rat-ettes showing hole, led to the uncovering of the ancient name Ankarna, kicking off both a fucking excellent mid-season finale as well the central plot of the rest of the season. The rat swarm minis in The Last Stand & Ragenarok pt 1 truly brought me back to the glory days of The Unsleeping City. The only thing keeping this season from a 9/10 is lack of mouse/rat PCs or major NPCS, which all of our 9/10+ seasons have had thus far. Much as I adore Edgar, I would categorize him as a supporting NPC this season rather than a major one. The Rat Grinders definitely add to this seasonās score, but as none of them are actually rats, I canāt count them as rat NPCs. Easily the height of Fantasy High rat content, and thatās saying something. Weāve been in a bit of a drought lately, but FHJY truly delivered.
I would like to give credit to a post I read many years ago that I realize may have given me inspiration to make whatever this is: harry potter rated by mentions of swans.
donāt ask
#d20 spoilers#d20 t7#tuc#d20#acoc#acofaf#neverafter spoilers#neverafter#original post#mice#rats#dimension 20#dimension 20 spoilers#tuc spoilers#t7#aso#coffin run#shriek week#mismag#mismag spoilers#mice and murder#i was going through an old friend's blog and found one of the other posts in that same trend#which was popular for a while in like 2016-2017#it was 'harry potter rated by dean thomas' drawing skills'#tbh still funny#i think the swan post was just percolating in the back of my head for however many years#waiting to strike#obligatory 'rowling sucks' no hp disk horse on the stupid rat post pls#reluctantly tagging this as#ongoing
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#idk it's just really frustrating to think that people will ALWAYS make allowances for people they're romantically in love with but#not make those same allowances for someone else they otherwise care about.#that people will risk things for their partners that they wouldn't for their friends#that it's EXPECTED for you to prioritize your spouse/significant other/etc. at all times but prioritizing your friend(s) is rarely even#considered. and when you're like me and you LITERALLY CANNOT DO THIS SHIT BY YOURSELF...#like I know I go on and on about marrying some theoretical woman all the time (and my ongoing...whatever this is. with Musician Guy)#but genuinely I'm not even sure that I want that I think I just want someone who will fucking visit me in the hospital if I get into a car#crash or fix me soup when I'm sick.#like...yeah. in that one story I wrote I think I distilled it down: we all just want someone to hold us when we're sad#and it SUCKS that the only avenue we seem to be allowed to pursue that is through a romantic relationship#right now I have my dad but if something happens to him...I genuinely do not know what I'm going to do. I'll have nowhere to go#if something terrible happens. I'll have no one to help me be a person. and I just. like I really am going to just have to power through#the next 60 years on this fucking planet alone and by god I'll fucking do it but I wish I didn't have to!!!!#and I think this was why the loss of Herā¢ friendship (which was necessary. for both of us) was so acutely painful. because even after#she got married she WAS willing to prioritize me when things got bad enough. she DID genuinely care about me in a way I don't think#anyone ever has. and I just really don't think I'll ever find that ever again. and I can't go back and I don't WANT to be with her anymore#but it was this time of the year when she told me she was getting married way back when and my brain has kept that like the World's Worst#Anniversary and all of those terrible ugly feelings are coming back in full force and I HATE that I'm still unpacking this I. HATE. that#this not-even-relationship is STILL doing this to me#WHAT THE FUCK!!! IS UP WITH THAT!!!!!!#*sigh* okay for REAL I am logging off right now because I've already said Too Many Embarrassing Personal Things about myself today#and I do not want to put myself in a position to say anymore!#In the Vents#GOD this is so stupid IT'S NOT LIKE SOMEBODY DIED WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS
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My issue is that I'm a hater but the current horror movie landscape rn has me feeling like this fucking image
#luly talks#like every new modern movie i watch sucks ass. they suck ass.#and i see ppl dunk on old movies that slay like. do you know anything at all?#let's speak straight too allow me to be a hater on main but the ppl who act like the human centipede is a movie without any plot#and is just haha gross just wont be seeing the gates of my heaven#like it's newly ongoing people who cannot stop and think for a second about what they just saw#and then i watch extremely overrated modern horrors and i feel like making my own slasher like good god#AND LIKE THIS ISN'T EVEN ABOUT THIS LIKE PACING something im very pissy about BC THC 1 IS SLOW AS SHIT#2 too but i dont think 2 is a movie it's more like social commentary#but still like IT JUST MAKES ME SO MAD. I'M KILLING PPL W MY MIND. FIGHTING HATERS W MORE HATE IG
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mmmmmmmmmmmmmm when it comes to Kyou I sometimes worry if I'm being too hard on him through like a certain kind of projection, right
but. I can't be... the only one to think there's at least..a little bit of a...victim complex in him, right...?
WHICH: to clarify straight up, he was treated awfully and never deserved any of that, and is all-around 100% a victim who's right to think of himself as such. All of that is correct!!!!!!
but. The whole STORY. is that the cat is the one animal who gets exiled. The one 'bad' one. The one who's ostracised.
And with that comes a certain... I mean, it's a bit easier to think of yourself as the victim, when that's the way everyone frames it, right? That you're the one who's been hard done by? That everyone else has it out for you? That to make things right, everything should be inverted, so everyone apologises and bows down to him for once???
Especially with Yuki. And, again to be fair, Yuki is not at ALL immune to minimising the shit that Kyou's been dealt with because it's often the inverse of what happened to Yuki and that envy is toxic and because Yuki was raised to think that way and also just because Kyou is annoying to him personally hahah.
But. Yuki knows about Kyou's True Form. Kyou... doesn't actually know what happened between Yuki and Akito. And psychologically, there's a hell of lot to benefit him if he reaaaaaally doesn't think about it.
So. Am I being biased to think that, all things considered, Kyou is more dismissive of Yuki's struggles? And that even up through the end of the manga, he still sorta... doesn't really entirely get it?? (At least from what I remember... which is little........)
But here's where I feel like I'm projecting because. My experiences are WAY more like Yuki: pushing things down, trying to do the right thing, feeling like you're just supposed to be grateful for what you have because you've been so privileged. And people who match the sorta description I have of Kyou above have kinda. screwed me up mentally in a lot of ways hahahahahahhhh.
so. I know it's such a cliche thing to have people learn about what Yuki's been through and be so Shocked and Comforting and ooo weepy uke Yuki or what ever (ever notice how nobody ever gets mad at the smug asshole seme stereotype?? HMM.) and I know I might just be biased against Kyou, because of all that IRL stuff and also because early in fandom people kind of did IIRC act like Kyou was right about everything and Yuki not that far off from how Kyou saw him. but.
IDK there's always a part of me that just. keeps thinking up scenarios where Kyou like. still doesn't entirely gets it. and gets called out a bit, or proven wrong.
and maybe that's really dumb or childish of me hahahah;;;;;
#that's it that's the post. there's no point to it im just like. what if I did these things is that bad maybe.#and. to clarify AGAIN. i do think Kyou legit cares abt Yuki by the end#has grown a bit more than yuki in that respect#cause yuki always pitied Kyou. and I mean that in a morally neutral way. he always knew things sucked for him.#he just. was too caught up in his own shit to not react back when Kyou pushed his way into his life and was actively hostile#and I mean react back as an ongoing thing. obviously sometimes yuki initiated individual spats or whatever lol#ANYWAY by the end I think Kyou does. get to some extent that things are shit for yuki too. and wants them not to be???#to which yuki is very. 'no fucking shit. i wouldnt wish that bullshit for you either if you weren't fucking attacking me all the time' kind#but. there's still some ways for them both to grow there#tbh in yukis case. I guess due to his issues with trust/opening up.#it's harder for him to think of Kyou as someone to really care about?? consciously???#whereas like Ive said above. Kyou still thinks of himself as Worse Off than Yuki.#but he can like. Extend a Hand maybe. Graciously. for Tohru's sake as much as anyhting#I dont even fucking know Im just writing fanfic at this point#what even is this post (or any of the furuba posts on this blog)#idk maybe I should just read some Kyo/Yuki again. :///#fruits basket#look maybe I just want the zodiac crew post-canon to start gallows humour 'bragging' abt the awful shit that traumatised them as teenagers#and when it gets to yuki it's like. jesus christ even for this group thats fucked up. or maybe its just because Nobody not even Haru knew#which. great yuki even when the topic is 'haha our childhood was fucked up wasn't it' you still made things weird. <- yuki's thoughts only
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tbh i've debated on like remaking for a while bc when i started this blog i did it bc i didnt wanna be a crypto anymore and like officially "join" radblr but as time goes by i really wish for this acc to be a personal blog, but im just not comfortable doing that while still having ties to radblr. like no hate or anything but i am always paranoid about opening up to people and i am even more uncomfortable when i still get anons from TRAs. i'm still thinking this through as i have finals this coming week so im way more occupied on that than on blogging atm
#istina.txt#it like sucks bc i dont really interact with radblr anymore outside of my mutuals and i'll still get hate anons from randos lol#generally i pay no mind and just delete them but when i have that ongoing issue on top of wanting to open up more about private matters#i feel like i'll showing my weaknesses to those who wish to harm me#so yeah
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the state of the aot fandom today is soooo sadā¦. like. i hate to say it but it was better when ereris were running it yea cursed ship but it wasnt misery and discourse everyday and a significant proportion of the fandom wasnt basically anime mgtows ā¦ā¦. sighā¦.. miss the days of jaeger bombasticā¦.. do u wanna kill some titansā¦. marco is still alive theoriesā¦ the bubblepop cmvā¦ā¦
#dnt come for me abt the ereri thing ok i liked it when i was 12 n too dmb to know better n am assuming everyone else was the same#so sad the bubblepop cmv was deleted aswellā¦..#it got deleted twice but someone reuploaded itā¦ now its jsut gone ā¦ erased from history#like yall werent there when uprising arc was ongoing n that one freckled dude w the farmers hat was in it for prob like MAX 5 panels n it#spawned several marco is still alive n is a titan shifter theories yall werent there.#yall werent there when we saw frieda for thr first time through erens memories n thought it was him in drag like yall just werent there#and eremika is so boring sorry#like it definitely has its moments it definitely gives but like. ZZZZZZ#uno what it couldve been sm better n more appealing but#like this is jst a factā¦. mikasas char sucks for most of the anime bc they took out so much of her dialogue n jst replaced it w her saying#eren. we have the proofs we have the screen recordings the back to backs the proof is in the pudding !!!!#i rlly wish i liked it ā¦. i mean tbh i do actually like it but its fans also make me hate it a bit#and all the eren fans are fake as FUCK. they only started liking him after the timeskip like your fske as fuck we have NOTHING IN COMMON
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Ughhhhh ever since I woke up from my nap I've been in such a bad mooddddd
#my mom said some absolutely wack shit to me earlier#it's crazy bc I've been defending her to friends and such for months now being like#'oh she's actually not that bad'#turns out she's not that bad when I'm#preforming exactly how she wants me to#sighhh#turns out being scared and traumatized from ongoing medical trauma isn't acceptable for her#which is ok#whatever atleast she acted like a weirdo about it while I have a lot of support from friends and other such loved ones#and not like. days before surgery#or while I'm recovering from surgery etc etc#so now I have ample time to prepare for recovery without her bitch ass#she really sees any member of the family as someone to perpetuate her trauma it's wild#I have no beef with her in the slightest either#ive directed no malice to her or anyone im literally just suffering for my own reasons#the reasons being the fucked up matter of my health and trying to get care#it mainly just sucks bc I let my guard down enough to be like oh she's ok and I don't want to go no contact right when I'm able to#so she reminded me why I still want that lol#it's weird etc etc
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bruh someone deleted their fic in the middle of me reading it wtf. ive never felt a pain like this before
#it was ongoing too!!#i was legit just reading it earlier today and i still had 2 chapters left to go#dude this sucks so bad
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google dot com. how to stop being so tired
#ongoing issue for like. idk 9 years?#I hate being so tired all the time it SUCKS it makes me feel so awful#mentally and physically#sometimes Im an asshole or sometimes I ruin a dun activity because I am just. SO DAMN TIRED#n sleep doesn't help I've tried a fixed sleeping schedule#8+ hours#drinking water more#etc etc n it never helps Im still tired#just wanna have one (1) day where I'm awake and energized for once please god just once#klown thoughts#vent
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it feels so unreal like what
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there is. one book left.
my favourite book series. which i have been reading since i was a kid.
i finally got all of them.
eight books.
and in my hands.
i hold the final one
#me tagš#OH I DONāT WANT IT TO BE OVER.#I DONT WANT IT TO BE OVER SO BAD.#AUUYGH#GUHā¦#i just finished reading the seventh one#iāve been. pacing myself. iāve had them all for weeks but iāve only let myself read one every once in a while#fuuuck manā¦#iāll miss it so much. even if the concert art sucks ass#i might reread them sometimes. ive read the first book quite a few times#OFUAUFUFH IDK MAN.#every single Media that has been important to me as a kid is either 1. still ongoing or 2. i never finished#or 3. both#dudeā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦.. dude#actually not as a kid just Every Media Thatās Been Important To Me#you wanna know the worst part? there is zero fandom for it.#š¦shark emoji. guys i donāt know how to handle this#what if i just never read the final book#š¤š¤š¤ terrible idea#anyway. iām rambling
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